Well, there you go! Hours of sweating, pain and pushing, and you are now the proud parent of a beautiful baby.
All you need to do now is get yourself dressed and go home for a well deserved sleep right?
You see, that baby has been feeding from you for the last nine months, now, the placenta has to be passed.
"Can you give me another push?" Asks the midwife
"WHAT?!!" But you've had your baby, TWINS? That was never mentioned in the scan....that's not part of the job description. You decide you don't want the job anymore!
"Don't worry!, the placenta needs to come out" the midwife calms you down.
Ah yes, now you remember a little jab in your thigh....no, she wasn't sedating you, although I'm sure she felt like it when you kicked her in the face during labour.
The placenta is born quickly and checked...lovely job! BBQ time?
You are gently lulled into a wonderful sense of security, warm baby snuggles and pride from the people in the room. Baby is weighed, measured, checked and your other half has the phone glued to their ear, talking as if they've run a marathon!
The midwife comes back into the room.
"Would you like a shower now?"
Oh yes! That's a lovely idea! You ask other half to pass over your towel, bag and clothes and the midwife runs off with it all.
She returns, helping you off the bed with goodness knows what strategically placed!
Oh no! What's happened!
Suddenly, every part of your insides are trying to make a bid for freedom in the same manner as the baby, and you are so tired, and stiff!
You half drag, half hobble to the shower and switch it on.
Your body doesn't look or feel like your own.
You spot the seat in the shower and gratefully sit, allowing the warm water to almost drown you. Soaping down is a half hearted exercise, but don't worry, you're excused, you've just had a baby.
Getting dressed is another thing. The effort it takes saps any remaining energy from your body and mind and you haul your poor person out to be greeted by huge smiles from your waiting family.
You scowl back...do they have ANY idea how you feel?
You clamber onto your bed in the most unladylike fashion, before being handed your squalling new born.
"What? Feeding time AGAIN."
I'm afraid so...but that's another chapter!
Your eyes start to close, as you give in to sleep.....
....Just as the door bursts open and in pour very loud, very excited relatives.
The baby is taken from you mid feed, and begins the squalling again, you are covered in kisses and cuddles. And then you get to hear about old uncle Alfred's holiday to Jamaica.
If you just gradually close your eyes, and tilt your head away, you can pretend to be asleep...sssshhhh....go on...you deserve it!