The changing of the nappy.
Yes, this is a good one.
Children are very deceptive!...yes, even as a newborn!.
They lure you into a false sense of security.
The first month or so, the nappy change is as good as it can get. Perfect little one, lying on the little changing mat, you, the perfect mother organised with nappy, wipes, cream and talc (oh yes, in those early days you have the lot!). Little one lies ever so still while the wiping, potions and lotions are applied and the nappy is placed, perfectly wrapped around a perfect little bottom...one word..perfect.
Give it a few weeks and that lovely, still little one has found their legs. The kicking has begun. Now, if you think it's difficult to wrap up a bottom at this age, just stop reading now.
Yes, at this point, the kicking starts, the nappy goes on a little lopsided and you have a dirty wipe on your good carpet.
Now we are approaching the mobility stage, this notches the nappy battle up a good few rungs. Now, little one decides that, when you lay them down, they want to be on their front, and the wipe cleaning their leg, back and feet...infact anything except their bottom!
The worse bit is yet to come I'm afraid. It's the toddler time. This is when it would be easier to wrestle a crocodile than change a nappy. You do need to be in an all in one forensic suit, preferably with a face guard too...it's going to get messy.
The toddler does not want a change of nappy- at all. It doesn't matter if it contains the biggest explosion the world has seen. That nappy will not be changed.
The first problem is catching the toddler initially. At this age, children can move at turbo speed, into small areas that are not designed for adults, therefore spreading the glorious scent around the home. This smell, I warn you will linger for hours, and at this point, the phone will ring, and you will receive visitors.
Getting the clothes off the child is usually an act performed on the move, picking the child up to remove clothes giving access to the offending nappy.
Now is the most impossible task. Getting said toddler to lie on the mat while removing the stinky nappy...is NOT going to happen. Toddler will pull up, turn around and try to climb off the area they are on. Be prepared. The contents of the nappy will tranfer to you, your furniture, your walls, curtains, and evrything else you touch. You will use half the pack of wipes in the attempt to clean the bottom and the cream will usually end up in toddlers hair, and your ears.
Wrap the bottom up with the nappy as quickly as you can. As long as you have covered the main area, it really doesn't matter if it's on back to front. Finally, allow child to get down.
Open a bottle of wine and accept your OBE gratefully