I was looking forward to it so much, dolled up, heels on, purse in bag and child free....perfect.
Not interested in stopping for coffee, I hit the shops, clothes, clothes and a bit of make up...off I went.
Deciding to go it alone has it's negatives, but I wanted to concentrate on myself (seeing as it happens so rarely), I didn't want anyone taking my time (selfish- yes, I know).
So, anyway, into the first store I went and threw myself into the rails of clothes....literally.
Yes, it was drizzling a little and as I stepped onto their dazzlingly shiny clean floor (as I thought) I soon realised that it was a puddle...on tiling.
I skidded half the length of the shop before plunging, full speed into a rail of men's speedos. I'm talking the budgie smuggler type, not even nice swim shorts. To make it a little more embarrassing, the rail moved with me, making a loud groan as the wheels locked and screeched across the floor. It was Saturday. 11:00am...just to let you imagine how full the store was.
Ducking down, I tottered as best as I could out of the way and decided the best course of action was to leave the store and start again elsewhere.
Off I went.
I entered the next shop more discreetly. I wandered quietly amongst the clothes, minding my own business when I felt a nudge.
"Can you get that down please" I glanced to my left and saw an old lady, with a zimmerframe, eagerly glancing up, pointing. I looked in that direction and saw a bustier. A bit like those burlesque tops...get my drift? I almost asked what size she wanted, before simply doing what she asked and handed her the first one on the rail, before walking away.
I felt a nudge.
"I need an 18" said the woman. I looked at the woman, feeling a little irate, but, I walked back to the rail and looked for an 18
"Hmmm looks like they're out of that size, sorry" I smiled regretfully.
"When will they be getting them in?" She asked
I collared an assistant and left them together as I headed to the shoes.
Losing myself in the wonderful array of footwear, I sat down to try a shoe when I felt a nudge.
"I want to try this on" she sat next to me, her large rear pushing me off the seat as she lifted her foot in my direction.
She had to be kidding me...right?
She wanted me to take her orthopaedic shoe of her smelly foot and wrap a platform heeled, strappy espadrille onto it.
I slammed my shoe onto the floor and grabbed the assistant before beating a hasty retreat.
On leaving the store, I realised I'd left my handbag on the floor next to the seat where I was about to try the shoe.
I re entered the store. The woman was lazing back in the chair, while the poor sales assistant dealt with the footwear. There was my bag, right next to them.
I dashed in made my apologies as I grabbed my bag and ran.
Unfortunately, I fell foul of the damp floor once again at the entrance, and full steam ahead, slipped and fell right out of the door. Landing, full force on my bottom on the soaking pavement outside.
I was near to tears, but adamant that I was going to purchase something that day, I entered a department store.
I felt a little more calmed and decided that after a purchase, I was going to have a large hot chocolate...with chocolate cake.
My first half an hour in the store was much nicer. A lovely perusal, followed by a wonderful find. Taking a beautiful top into the changing room, I tried the top on. Gorgeous! I would buy it!
Taking the top off, it jammed. Trying to lift it over my head, both arms over my head, the top stuck at my shoulders. I pulled at the hem with my finger tips. Nothing.
The top was covering my shoulders, neck and head. My arms jammed solid next to my ears, reaching for the stars. I realised I hadn't loosened the button at the back of the neck. I tried to bend my elbows, to no avail.
I backed against the wall, feeling the blood draining out of my hands.
"Help" I mumbled.
Shrugging my shoulders, I tried to pull the top back on. It wasn't going to happen.
I started to feel a little claustrophobic. I thought about bumbling out of the changing cubicle to get help, but realised that I was in a department store, and currently my bra was exposed. I was not, under any circumstances leaving the cubicle like this.
I could just see my area through the weave of the material and grabbed the coat hanger with my hand. Twisting it round, I tried to hook the button bit towards my other hand. No go.
I really needed to get out of the top, which I was going off very quickly. I shrugged and pulled and shifted and grappled, bumped against the walls and eventually tore the shoulder of the top. The top gave way at one side and I slid it back on properly. However, I had pulled a muscle in my neck, which caused my head to tighten to my left shoulder.
Unbuttoning the top properly, I painfully removed it and pulled my comfy, familiar jumper on. I sat down carefully, trying to move my neck. I put the torn top on the hanger and checked the price.
The worst £65 I would ever pay. For a top, that having studied the rip,was totally ruined. But that's me, I had to buy it. Out I stumbled, breathing the air of the department store freely, rather than through material, my head veering to the left to compensate the pain.
I got to the cash desk where the woman scanned the top, looking at me as if I was insane.... Just don't go there...
I thanked her...can you believe it....I THANKED her for the stress I had gone through! And carried my bag through the store. Standing on the escalator to travel down, I felt a familiar nudge.
Turning round I saw the old woman.
"Can you hold my bag? My shopping is so heavy, I can't carry it to the bus stop"
The bus stop was the opposite direction to my car, and the woman had gone to town on clothes shopping, but, hey, my day couldn't get much worse, I might aswell help the poor woman out.
After all, it was the end of a disastrous trip, at least a little word of thanks would brighten my day.
The hot chocolate and cake? It turned into alcohol in the evening!
The shirt? Got fixed! I took it to a dry cleaner who did repairs and it looks fab.
My neck? Took three weeks to unhinge my nerve
The old woman? I took her to her bus stop, got her onto the bus with her shopping, and the bus left without a thanks or a pat on the arm.
Think I'll stick to housework!
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